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ANKH-MORPORK
The mercantile capital of the Discworld, Ankh-Morpork is subject to outbreaks of comedic violence and brou-ha-ha on a fairly regular basis. It is home to the Unseen University, a centre of magical learning. Ankh-Morpork lies on the River Ankh (which is so polluted that it is reputedly solid enough to walk on). The central city divides more or less into Ankh (the upscale area) and Morpork (the working-class area, which includes the slums known as 'The Shades'), which are separated by the River Ankh.
The population of Ankh-Morpork is 1,000,000. Chief exports: manufactured goods, most of the processed animal and vegetable produce of the fertile Sto Plains, trouble. Main 'invisible' exports: Banking, assassination, wizardry, trouble. Imports: Raw materials, people, trouble.
ASSASSINS' GUILD
Image Ankh Morpok guild [Discworld companion]
Motto: NIL MORTIFI, SINE LVCRE
This training academy for killers in Ankh-Morpork is widely considered to be the best option for a well-rounded education anywhere in the Discworld. The Assassins' Guild has a strict code of conduct. It is forbidden for any assassin to 'inhume' - or kill - for any reason other than being paid a very large amount of money (as they say, 'we do not kill merely for a handful of silver. It's a lapful of gold or nothing'). Assassins trained at the guild do not believe in the use of bombs or guns to carry out their killings, and always give their 'clients' - or victims - a fighting chance.
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Bucket, The
Image discoworld companion
A tavern, of sorts, in Gleam Street, Ankh-Morpork. The bucket, which lacks charm, ambience, or even many customers, is now the bar of choice for the witch Watch. Watchmen don't like to see things that'd put them back on duty when they just want a quick drink. There's little passing trade in Gleam Street. The street is, if not a dead end, then seriously wounded by the area's change of fortunes.
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Cheese, Mr.
Owner of The Bucket in Gleam Street, Ankh-Morpork. A thin, dry man who only smiles when he hears news of some serious murder. Traditionally, he has always sold short measure but, to make up for it, he short-changes as well. He also makes money by renting out the rat's nest of old sheds and cellars that back up on the pub. The Bucket is the bar of choice for the City Watch.
Circle Sea
Image from Discworld companion
A sizeable but almost landlocked sea approximately halfway between the Hub and the rim, opening at its Turnwise side into the Rim Ocean. Its principal trading ports are Ankh-Morpork, on the Sto Plains coast, and Al Khali and Ephebe on the Rimwards side. Discworld civilization, which can be broadly defined as those countries that have invented the fork as well as the knife, is found around its historic coasts.
Computers
The Disc's main known computer is now HEX, the computer at Unseen University. Although originally powered by ants, Hex now more or less redesigns itself to suit any problem it encounters, and the only thing preventing it from becoming a full member of the faculty is that no one has yet perfected Artificial Stupidity.
Cool, Monks of
Tiny and exlcusive monastery, hidden in a really cool and laid-back valley in the lower Ramtops. The Brothers of Cool are a reserved and secretive sect which believes that only through ultimate coolness can the universe be comprehended and that black works with everything and that chrome will never truly go out of style. They're so cool they sometimes never get out of bed.
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Discworld, The
the Discworld is a flat planet - like a geological pizza, but without the anchovies. It offers sights far more impressive than those found in universes built by Creators with less imagination but more mechanical aptitude. It exists right on the edge of Reality; the least little things can break through from the other side. It is allowed to exist either because of some impossible blip on the curve of probability, or because the gods enjoy a joke as much as anyone else. More than most people in fact.
Chaotic as it sometimes appears, the Discworld clearly runs on a special set of natural laws, or at least on guidelines. There is gravity. There is cause-and-effect. There is eventuality - things happen after other things. After that, it becomes a little more confusing. The following theory can be gingerly advanced:
The Discworld should not exist. Flat is not a natural state for a planet. Turtles should grow only so big. The fact that it does exist means that it occupies an area of space where reality is extremely thin, where 'should be' no longer has the veto it has in the rest of the universe. The Discworld creates an extremely deep well in Reality in much the same way as an incontinent Black Hole creates a huge gravity well in the notorious rubber sheet of the universe.
The resulting tension seems to have created a permanent flux which, for want of a better word, we can call magic. There are several secondary effects, because the pressure of reality is so weak. Things that might nearly exist in a 'real' world, have no difficulty at all in existing in quite a natural state in the Discworld universe; so here there will be dragons, unicorns, sea serpents and so on. The rules are relaxed.
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Fairies
As is so often the case on Discworld, any attempt at a precise description of the nature and role of fairies is bound to raise a crop of expectations. They are NOT a species. The Tooth Fairies are human, although with ex officio special powers to enable them to remain unseen as they go about their essential business, but many other fairies appear to be dwarfs, gnomes, animals, or even invisible.
Basically, they are a job description. A fairy is there to perform some specific, minor task - take away unwanted teeth, bring boils and warts, see that you never have enough paperclips, steal the last wafer thin After Dinner mint and so on. The mere act of belief will, in a sufficiently charged environment, summon one into existence. In fact the strangest of them all is the Glingleglingleglingle Fairy, whose sole job it is to make, using some hand bells, the cheap and tinselly 'glingleglingleglingle' noise that preceeds the appearance of a fairy or any sort of act of fairy magic.
Food and Drink
The Discworld is famed for its cuisine. A visitor would be able to eat for a year without needing to repeat a meal, and in most cases without wanting to. The dedicated gourmet can find recipes for many of these unique dishes in Nanny Ogg's Cookbook.
. Food
Antipasta
Banged Grains
Blowfish
Burnt Brown Crunchy Bits
Cabbage
Chicken Vol-Au-Vent
Chocolate
Curry
Distressed Pudding
Dwarf Bread
Figgins
Rat
Wow-Wow Sauce
. Drink
Amanita Liquor
Bentinck' Very Old Peculiar Brandy
Brose
Ghlen Livid
Jimkin Bearhugger's Whiskey
Klatchian Coffee (which causes the drinker to be Knurd)
Old Overcoat
Orakh
Peach Corniche
Screaming Orgasm
Scumble
Sea Grape Wine
Soggy Mountain Dew
Spring Cordial
Stardrip
'Three Wizards' Chardonnay
Turbot's Really Odd (real ale)
Winkles Old Peculiar
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Glingleglingleglingle Fairy, The
While there are many fairies, this one deserves a special mention as a sort of meta-fairy, The Glingleglingleglingle Fairy is generally a gnome or small goblin, with a set of handbells, and its sole job is to make the 'glingleglingleglingle' noise which heralds the arrival of any other fairy. It may also toss up the handful of chopped tinsel that makes those little twinklt glints in the air (you know the ones). Sometimes fairies have their work cut out to live up to human expectations.
Gods, The
The Discworld has gods in the same way that other worlds have bacteria. There are billions of them, tiny bundles containing nothing more than a pinch of pure ego and some hunger. Most of them never get worshipped. They are the small gods - the spirits of lonely trees, places where 2 ant trails cross - and most of them stay that way. Because what they lack is belief. A handful, though, go on to greater things. Anything may trigger this. A shepherd, seeking a lost lamb, for example, may find it among the briars and take a minute or two to build a small cairn of stones in general thanks to whatever spirit might be around the place.
Guilds
Ankh-Morpork is the home of many of the Disc'soldest and most respected Guilds, the largest and most senior of which are micro-societies in their own right. A Guild may well, in return for a tithe, oversee all aspects of a member's life practically from the cradle to the grave (particularly in the case of the Assassin's Guild) and possibly beyond (in the case of the Guild of Priests, Sacerdotes, and Occult Intermediaries). The oldest and richest guild is the Beggars'; the most stylish the Assassins'; the largest the Thieves' (although there is popularly supposed to be a Rat Guild). The 300-odd Guilds to be found in the city include:
. Alchemists' Guild
. Barber-Surgeons' Guild
. C.M.O.T. Dibblers' Guild (which has only one member, Mr. Dibbler)
. Conjurers Guild
. Dunnikin Divers' Guild
. Fools' Guild
. Haberdashers' Guild
. Towncriers' Guild
. Watchmens' Guild
. And many, many more
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Hex
Hex is a computer unlike any other the Disc has ever seen (which is not particularly hard since all other 'computers' on the Disc consist of druidic stone circles). Hex runs and evolves under the watchful eyes of apprentice wizard Ponder Stibbons, who becomes the IT manager at UU because he's the only one who understands what he's talking about. Hex stops working (with the error message "Mine! Waah!")
if the FTB (Fluffy Teddy Bear, a gift from the Hogfather, whom Hex believes in,
having been instructed to do so) is removed. Stibbons is concerned by these signs that Hex might be alive, but insists that it only thinks it is. Hex can be shut down completely by means of a Big Red Lever. This seems to worry it.
Hogfather, The
The Hogfather is a kind old gentleman in whiskers and boots who arrives, to the sound of hog bells, with a sack of toys on Hogswatchnight. Children leave out a glass of wine and a pork pie for him, and they decorate their houses with an oak tree in a pot and strings of paper sausages; on Hogswatchday they wear paper hats while they eat their pork dinner.
However, this is a light modern version of a darker myth. The original Hogfather is a winter god associated with the pig killing that is customary in country districts in the month before Hogwatchnight. According to legend the Hogather spends the year in his secret palace of giant pig bones, emerging on Hogswatchnight to gallop from house to house on a crude sledge drawn by four tusked wild boars to deliver presents of sausages, black puddings, pork scratchings, and ham to all the children who have been good. He says 'Ho Ho Ho' a lot. Children who have been bad get a bag full of bloody bones (it's these little details that tell you it's a tale for children). There is a song about him, which includes the line 'you better watch out.'
Hogswatchnight
The one night of the Disc's long year when witches are expected to stay at home. Occurs at the turn of the Disc year. By tradition, shops do not open on Hogswatchday. It's generally the occasion for festivities of a let's-get-the-whole-family-together-and-have-a-row nature, at which otherwise sane people may occasionally blow squeakers.
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Johnson, Bergholt Stuttley ('Bloody Stupid Johnson')
Bergholt Stuttley Johnson, known as 'loody Stupid Johnson,' is a landscape gardener
and inventor on the Discworld. The most obvious flaw in Johnson's abilities is his blind spot when it comes to marking units on his plans; examples include the Colossus of Morpork, which is currently kept in a matchbox in the Dwarf Bread Museum, and the ornamental cruet set commissioned by Mad Lord Snapcase - the saltshaker currently houses four families and they use the pepper mill to store grain. Those few of his works that are approximately the right scale typically either work in unexpected ways, or simply have a tendency to spontaneously detonate.
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Kaos
The anthropomorphic personification. The Fifth Horseman of the apocalypse, although he left before they got famous, and always said he didn't begrudge them their later success. He embodies apparently complicated, apparently patternless behavior that nevertheless has a simple, deterministic explanation and is a key to new levels of understanding the multi-dimensional universe. He rides out on a chariot drawn by a black horse which shines as though illuminated by a red light - redness spangles off its shoulders and flanks. Kaos' eyes are black - shiny and black without any whites at all. Carrying his sword of burning cold, he wears a full-face helmet with eyeholes that look slightly like the wings of a butterfly, and rather more like the eyes of some strange alien creature.
Ku
A continent that slipped into the ocean several thousand years ago. It took thirty years to subside; the inhabitants spent a lot of time wading. It went down in history as the multiverse's most embarrassing continental catastrophe.
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Magic
. Wizard Magic
Wizard magic is known to be taught at the Unseen University in Ankh-Morpork, Bugrup University in XXXX and Krull University in the secretive nation of Krull. It is very much a scholarly study, largely (many believe) to prevent anyone outside the universities realising how easy it really is.
. Intrinsic Magic
Intrinsic Magic is the Discworld's "standing magical field" and is basically the local breakdown of reality that allows a flat planet on the back of a turtle to even exist. The other varieties of magic are usually methods of shaping this force. It warps reality in much the same way as gravity warps space-time.
. Residual Magic
A powerful force, most magic as used by wizards and witches is a simple channelling of the residual magic of the world. It can be stored - in accumulators such as staffs, carpets, spells, and broomsticks - and can be thought of as a slowly renewing resource, like geothermal energy. It is subject to certain laws similar to those of the conservation of energy. A wizard can, for example, cause fires and apparitions and coloured lights quite easily, because these require very little energy. In the same way, a person may quite easily be turned into a frog by causing their brain to reprogram their own morphogenetic field. The effect is temporary but embarrassing.
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Old Man Trouble
One of a large number of 'anthropomorphic personifications' brought into existence by the low reality quotient of the Discworld universe, which means in essence that anything believed in strongly enough will eventually come into existence.
Old Man Trouble wears a long mac and a large, raggedy, broad-brimmed hat. All that can be seen between the two are his dreadful, glowing eyes. He is a personification variously of Murphy's Law, the general intractability of the universe, and the darkness in the cellar. He is easily summoned by failing to have 1) rhythm or 2) music or even 3) your girl. In which case, if you hear a soft knocking at your door - don't open it.
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Pills, Dried Frog
The wizards of Unseen University are right at the forefront of modern medical thinking when it comes to the therapeutic use of frog products, and make up these pills for the current Bursar, who is as mentally stable as a tapdancer in a ballbearing factory.
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Quirm
A pleasant little city in a wine-growing area overlooking the Rim Ocean. Wild geraniums fill its sloping, cobbled streets. It has a famous floral clock. And that really says it all about Quirm. It is a dull place. Most of its inhabitants have lived elsewhere during times of considerable excitement and have sworn mighty oaths that it won't happen here.
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Shades, The
This is the oldest part of the city of Ankh-Morpork and can be found about ten minutes slow stroll from Unseen University. It is dangerous even by the standards of the rest of the city, and absolutely not a place to be after dark.
Despite all this, it has produced a number of Ankh-Morpork's more notable citizens. Perhaps the most notable is Samuel Vimes, now Duke of Ankh and Commander of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch. Another is Nobby Nobbs, who perhaps best sums up the typical qualities of someone raised within the Shades.
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Time
The idea that time is something that passes uniformly at every point in the universe has long been discredited, but humans persist in believing that it is so at a local level; yet most people have encountered days that pass very quickly or hours that trudge pass, and have been to places where time flows faster/slower than at home.
Time is one of the Discworld's most secretive anthropomorphic personifications. It is hazarded that Time is female (she waits for no man) but she has never been seen in the mundane world, having always gone somewhere else just a moment before. In her chronphonic castle, made up of endless glass rooms, she does at, er, time, materialise as a tall woman with dark hair, wearing a long red-and-black dress.
Tooth Fairy
The tooth Fairy lives in the highest room of the Tower of Teeth in 'her' own land (the sex of the Tooth Fairy is uncertain and perhaps even irrelevant).
The Fairy herself has origins that go back a lot further than any pleasant little custom about paying children for their lost milk teeth. Like most pleasant little customs involving children, it is a fossil of something a lot more serious and undoubtedly nastier.
The Tooth Fairy herself does not do the collecting, but has set up a self-sustaining system involving humans, with an investment portfolio to provide cash for tooth purchase. For most of the people concerned, it is just a job. Human 'tooth fairies' collect the teeth and replace them with money, and a network of middlemen get the teeth to the Tower.
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Unseen University
Unseen University (UU) is a school of wizardry in the city of Ankh-Morpork, staffed by a faculty composed of mostly insane and inane old wizards. The official motto of UU is "Nunc Id Vides, Nunc Ne Vides", loosely translated as "Now you see it, now you don't". The unofficial motto is "? ß p," or "Eta Beta Pi." (Eat a Better Pie).
The University is centred around the 800-foot Tower of Art, out of which it grew; any further attempt at grasping its geography is close to pointless. Due to the high levels of background magic in the vicinity, a typical map of UU vaguely resembles an exploding chrysanthemum and is usually only valid for a day or so. The fabric of the University is said to absorb knowledge, since all students enter university knowing absolutely everything, and leave admitting they know very little.
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Watch, the Ankh-Morpork City
The Ankh-Morpork City Watch (originally the Night Watch, commonly referred to as "the Watch") is the police force in Ankh-Morpork.
It consists of four loosely linked organizations: The Night Watch, the Day Ward, the Palace Guard, and the Cable Street Particulars.
Wow-Wow Sauce
A very potent and highly unstable condiment. One of the main problems withWow-Wow Sauce is its tendency to turn into an explosive when mixed with charcoal, the only element of gunpowder that it lacks.
The ingredients are:
. Matured Scumble
. Pickled Cucumbers
. Capers
. Mustard
. Mangoes
. Figs
. Grated Wahoonie
. Anchovy Essence
. Asafetida
. A good deal of Sulfur and Saltpeter
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Ysabell
Death's adopted daughter. When first introduced, she was a 16-year-old young woman with silver hair, silver eyes, and a slight suggestion of too many chocolates. Not, of course, a blood relation to the Grim Reaper - no real explanation has been given as to why he saved her as a baby when her parents were killed.
It says a lot for Ysabell's basic mental stability that she remained even halfway sane in Death's house, where no time passes and black is considered the appropriate colour for almost everything. She certainly developed an obsessive interest in tragic heroines and also a fixation for the colour pink. She married Mort and became Duchess of Sto Helit. |
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Excerpts taken from 'The New Discworld Companion' by Terry Pratchett and Stephen Briggs, published by Gollancz. Reproduced by permission of the Orion Publishing Group. Copyright © Terry and Lyn Pratchett and Stephen Briggs 2003 All Rights Reserved. Available to buy from Orion Books |
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